Abigail

Lazarus.

Pretend I'm him.  Knowing what "4 days of death" feels like, but then Jesus.   Love shows itself and, like Lazarus, the miracle of grace & new life is mine.

John 11:44 Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and...

... let. him. go. 

Ab, because of you, I can picture Lazarus in this moment- shell shocked as he may have been, standing wrapped in his "grave clothes" but slowly taking in the smells and signs of life rushing in around him.  A man gone from death to life.  Hearing the wind, the birds, or the grief cries turned to sheer joy - feeling the movement of a few choice loved ones running toward him.  Brave souls who came to follow through with what Jesus had asked of them... "take off the grave clothes".

But from my experience I now imagine there was one... one heart of pure faith that understood what Jesus was doing before the rest so she got there first.  One set of hands that worked tirelessly to unravel.  Even when Lazarus' frail body needed the process to go slower because the freeing process was painful for him... this one set of hands wasn't put off by the groaning, she effortlessly just downgraded to gentle mode and...

kept on moving. 

kept on loving & setting the captive free.
kept believing in the miracle of grace found solely in

Jesus Christ

Oh my soul from the help God sent to me in your hands, Ab. 

In your heart of deep love & vision for me.
Thank you for loving him like you do.
I'm in awe at the unraveling it's allowed you to do for him, and for me.
Because of it, I'm more aware than before that I'm part of the vast army of hope Ezekiel 37 talks about and I'm learning how to take Isaiah 52 from my head to my heart.  And from this place... mmmm yes and amen.

happiest of birthdays today 

thank you for shining his light, love

xo & giggles from here forward

catch the wind * jonathan & melissa helser
ps. 30 & 46

pieces

let my soul be at rest again,

for the LORD has been good to me

ps 116:7

pinterest love

Joy Somewhere

A couple months or so back now, the feel of it caught my hand by surprise as I reached into my winter coat pocket.

This little thing is one of 16 or so pieces to a puzzle hj got as a gift for her birthday.  I didn't remember how that piece, that had only been in the family room, would have gotten into my coat pocket, but that is where it stayed until yesterday.  And yesterday b/c we were driving and I'd run out of other entertainment pieces to pass back to her and that was my final option.

I loved having that piece in my coat.  When I'd go to reach for my keys and feel it there, no matter where I was or what I was doing, little H would flood me and my heart always jumped to a lighter track.

Most evenings, I pick up halle's little play area and each time I went to put that puzzle back together it was always missing the piece from my pocket.  Which always bugged me just a bit - but like not enough to actually ever get up and go get the piece from my coat, plus I loved the random reminders it gave me from that place.

But one evening, as I put the puzzle together, that little missing piece spoke something new to my soul about how God holds the missing pieces in our lives.   Quite possibly in some place where he too gets caught off guard by its presence and receives a pleasant reminder of his child.

This visual has brought me peace down deep regarding my health.  A trust that I've not been able to have that God is in control with it all despite no answers.  That somehow my missing health is bringing joy somewhere.  It's weird but that helps me.  I don't often write about the daily grind of functioning in pain, and that is b/c just like w/ this post, when I do, it never seems to paint a true picture, it just comes across too light and jovial for me when the reality has been so frustrating at times I want to give up.  And this all just sounds like complaining to me, but today, I write anyway - b/c that little piece gone missing idea brings me hope that God really does see and quite possibly holds every ounce of my missing health in his very hands... and if that's where it is then it could quite possibly, in his mercy, find it's way back to me...

and last nite, when I handed that piece to h, she never could have known that it made me sad to see my lovelee reminder of her go... and it made me hopeful, that in just an unassuming, and for no real special reason way as that occurred, my time for God to hand me back my health may very well be soon too, he may just be reminded of it and reach in his storehouse and pull out healing to the uttermost and say to my angel, take that to her... maybe it will make him sad too b/c from his viewpoint carrying it with him has brought him joy

went out this evening and 11 degrees felt cold, cold the minute you get out of the car cold

i was rereading a journal this evening from last year, the date was oct. 4th and i remembered stepping outside our apartment that morning, right after writing that entry and purposely doing so to feel the wind and let it be a picture for me of his Holy Spirit right there with me, "letting it" blow unmerited grace all over me, the gentle fall breeze flowing right through the skin and freely through my inmost being

and in the dead of winter, i think it most fitting to feel the cold 11 degree blast, and let it wake one up to the very core of a God-given being

hallejunia

oh my heart

how great is my joy in the victories you give, psalm 21:1

my momma always laid in bed with us on our birthdays and told us our birth date story... and I know without doubt, you and I will do the same... i'll love reliving that day with you... and sharing the good I knew to be true of how such a clash of brilliance became my real life bundle - i love you bunk

holding you was proof, love is eternal

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.  My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand.  I and the Father are one.  

John 10:27-30

here's a small recap of what life with you in your first year was like from the gifted seats i have...

months 1-3, you were happiest in the morning and would sleep well until about 4 then from then until 9 to 11pm you were a mixed bag of tricks, sometimes laying with papa and being content, but often fussy and we'd not know how to fix it...  but in all honesty, i don't know that you were getting as much food as you'd have like, but overall you were a real trooper, papa was a song creator and loved singing them to you, and momma was a foggy zombie running on love

You were an early smiler during this time and you loved your little bear sleeper which we'd move all over the house with you in it.   I think these are the only 2 pics I have of your nursery which were both before your arrival.  We moved shortly after you turned 3 months old and I didn't think to take a picture of it.

If you were awake, we spent most of our time hanging in the living room.  We opened a ton of gifts people sent and loved loving on you and watching you meet your family.  I wish you could feel the love from others that I experienced b/c of your arrival.  You were loved and celebrated by many!

Meeting Owen and Ella.

Grandparent Love

Your Papaw and Grandma

Your Gigi

Your Mimi

Your Poppi

Visiting your great-grandma at 3 wks old and meeting your nephew, Noah!

Meeting your cousin Emily...

and the whole gang!

This pic is the last one we took of us all at that house... we were all moved out and we'd just gone over to check everything one last time.  We held hands and papa prayed.  

April 22nd, 2015

Months 3 to 6: 

So much changed during these months.  You moved to a new place and adapted really well.  You started eating better and at 5 months like a little switch you decided to start sleeping through the nite. You spent most of your days nursing, eating, and playing on your mat. 

I didn't forgot to get pics of your room here

your changing table fit well in the closet!

and you shared your room with guests, mostly grandma!

******************************

  You learned to roll over and started sleeping that way (part of the reason I think you started sleeping through the nite!) Here you are over Memorial Day Weekend while we were in Michigan... the first time you decided to flip!

You had lots of visitors during your first months of life but made your first car trip on 5.17 to Washington to see your Grandparents and meet some of their friends.

You rounded out months 3-6 with your first haircut on 6.29.15!

Months 6-9:

These months were full of changes for you physically... breastfeeding stopped, teeth came, solid foods started... and you stayed Chameleon Crane as your looks still sometimes were so strong papa but sometimes the Jones side would come through and I'd see your Grandma or small glimpses of me.  

here you are in a dress that 

was mine as a little girl

visiting family for Luke's 2nd b-day, you with G, L, & M

7.24.15

you started your army crawl!

loved! your walks in the stroller

this being one of my favorite moves of yours

i want to eat you up!

7.23.15

7.28.15

you loved your tobies!

7.28.15

Your first word.. mama - yep be still my heart

8.9.15

8.11.15
Grand Canyon shirt from Grandma's hike.


modeling for momma

9.12.15 at Goldfish Swimming

You loved the water!  and swam at grandma's too
and at our apartment.

This was either b/f or after a walk from our apartment to
eat dinner.  We had 2 restaurants close by and we'd often
walk over at the end of the day.  You were such a good girl
and seemed to enjoy this time of day as much as we did.

Months 9-12:

10.8.15 so just shy of 9 months

you rarely wanted to stand and

would usually just lift your legs

until we'd let you sit

in your pjs

10.14.15 at your 9 mo check up.  That was a fish tank in the waiting room and you liked it. 

You didn't seem to like the shots this round as you were just not your usual smiles for about 2 days... boo, but yay for a great apt... your weight was 15.5 pounds and you had 6 teeth. 

you'd fallen asleep like this in your crib... watching you on the monitor 

was often momma's entertainment at her desk while she worked.

stretch!

10.16.15

10.18.15 

looking at pics w/ Grandma

10.21.15 

You with one of your favorite bedtime reads.

Our cute bunny!

w/ Lil Pie

Preciousness

11.8.15

how you'd often end up watching t.v.

and it's fitting to have a pic w/ Mickey Mouse Club on

by far your favorite

11.27.15

your hair controls me, it is wild!

cooking w/ Molly

12.5.15 - getting pics with Emmy & Ella

12.20.15

Christmas Eve

Christmas Day

 12.27.15 a rare sleep in my arms pic

In Florida, your first trip and first flight
you did so well
and on 1.1.16 did your first stand by yourself
for like 3 seconds :)

hanging w/ N!
love this pic!

after our 2h 20min flight back to Indiana,
you tuckered out like this as people
were getting off the plane

1.8.16 - hanging w/ Emmy

1.9.16 you this morning
dancing your way into 1 yrs old!

You are a strong girl, Hallejunia.  At your 1 yr birthday I still see traits in you that I saw early on... you are observant and not interested in long cuddles and cuddles in general but do give the best kisses.  You are a funny girl and love to laugh and be silly.  Your current day is up btw 7-8, eating 3 times a day and still 4 bottles.  You nap about 1.5 hrs in the morning and afternoon and go down for bed at 8pm.  You love playing in your play area or moving around in your walker eating krispies.  You can find your hair, your mouth, your tummy, and sometimes your eyes.  When momma asks you how much I love you, you point up to the sky and I say, "to the moon."   So true sweet girl.   May God always look on you with favor and bless your days.  May he allow my momma's heart to love you here on earth for many years, I'm thinking 95 and still healthy.  Happy 1st b-day to you! You are loved by many!