Sunday, October 9, 2016



Pretend I'm him.  Knowing what "4 days of death" feels like, but then Jesus.   Love shows itself and, like Lazarus, the miracle of grace & new life is mine.

John 11:44 Jesus said to them, "Take off the grave clothes and...

... let. him. go. 

Ab, because of you, I can picture Lazarus in this moment- shell shocked as he may have been, standing wrapped in his "grave clothes" but slowly taking in the smells and signs of life rushing in around him.  A man gone from death to life.  Hearing the wind, the birds, or the grief cries turned to sheer joy - feeling the movement of a few choice loved ones running toward him.  Brave souls who came to follow through with what Jesus had asked of them... "take off the grave clothes".

But from my experience I now imagine there was one... one heart of pure faith that understood what Jesus was doing before the rest so she got there first.  One set of hands that worked tirelessly to unravel.  Even when Lazarus' frail body needed the process to go slower because the freeing process was painful for him... this one set of hands wasn't put off by the groaning, she effortlessly just downgraded to gentle mode and...

kept on moving. 
kept on loving & setting the captive free.
kept believing in the miracle of grace found solely in

Jesus Christ

Oh my soul from the help God sent to me in your hands, Ab. 
In your heart of deep love & vision for me.
Thank you for loving him like you do.
I'm in awe at the unraveling it's allowed you to do for him, and for me.
Because of it, I'm more aware than before that I'm part of the vast army of hope Ezekiel 37 talks about and I'm learning how to take Isaiah 52 from my head to my heart.  And from this place... mmmm yes and amen.

happiest of birthdays today 

thank you for shining his light, love

xo & giggles from here forward

catch the wind * jonathan & melissa helser
ps. 30 & 46

Sunday, May 29, 2016


let my soul be at rest again,
for the LORD has been good to me
ps 116:7

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Joy Somewhere

A couple months or so back now, the feel of it caught my hand by surprise as I reached into my winter coat pocket.

This little thing is one of 16 or so pieces to a puzzle hj got as a gift for her birthday.  I didn't remember how that piece, that had only been in the family room, would have gotten into my coat pocket, but that is where it stayed until yesterday.  And yesterday b/c we were driving and I'd run out of other entertainment pieces to pass back to her and that was my final option.

I loved having that piece in my coat.  When I'd go to reach for my keys and feel it there, no matter where I was or what I was doing, little H would flood me and my heart always jumped to a lighter track.

Most evenings, I pick up halle's little play area and each time I went to put that puzzle back together it was always missing the piece from my pocket.  Which always bugged me just a bit - but like not enough to actually ever get up and go get the piece from my coat, plus I loved the random reminders it gave me from that place.

But one evening, as I put the puzzle together, that little missing piece spoke something new to my soul about how God holds the missing pieces in our lives.   Quite possibly in some place where he too gets caught off guard by its presence and receives a pleasant reminder of his child.

This visual has brought me peace down deep regarding my health.  A trust that I've not been able to have that God is in control with it all despite no answers.  That somehow my missing health is bringing joy somewhere.  It's weird but that helps me.  I don't often write about the daily grind of functioning in pain, and that is b/c just like w/ this post, when I do, it never seems to paint a true picture, it just comes across too light and jovial for me when the reality has been so frustrating at times I want to give up.  And this all just sounds like complaining to me, but today, I write anyway - b/c that little piece gone missing idea brings me hope that God really does see and quite possibly holds every ounce of my missing health in his very hands... and if that's where it is then it could quite possibly, in his mercy, find it's way back to me...

and last nite, when I handed that piece to h, she never could have known that it made me sad to see my lovelee reminder of her go... and it made me hopeful, that in just an unassuming, and for no real special reason way as that occurred, my time for God to hand me back my health may very well be soon too, he may just be reminded of it and reach in his storehouse and pull out healing to the uttermost and say to my angel, take that to her... maybe it will make him sad too b/c from his viewpoint carrying it with him has brought him joy

Sunday, January 17, 2016

went out this evening and 11 degrees felt cold, cold the minute you get out of the car cold

i was rereading a journal this evening from last year, the date was oct. 4th and i remembered stepping outside our apartment that morning, right after writing that entry and purposely doing so to feel the wind and let it be a picture for me of his Holy Spirit right there with me, "letting it" blow unmerited grace all over me, the gentle fall breeze flowing right through the skin and freely through my inmost being

and in the dead of winter, i think it most fitting to feel the cold 11 degree blast, and let it wake one up to the very core of a God-given being