Come What May

March 26th:  Visit 1 to Dr. Jarrett, a fertility specialist 10 min. from where we live! can you say convenient?

It was just the January prior and I'd pretty concretely reached an abrupt moment of flipping the switch off on the possibility of conceiving.  I told Chad, I'm done trying. It wasn't the physical part of it, it was my heart and head.   I gave up.  

It was Chad who said, let's go back to the specialist.  We chose Dr. Jarrett and called end of January but were put on a wait list for that March 26th apt.  

About a week prior, I came close to calling and cancelling.  I think the thought of any upcoming process resulting in failure was just more than I wanted to face.  I'd never been open to IVF and my heart on that hadn't seemed to change so what was the point?   That about summed me up on March 26th heading in to see another specialist.

Dr. Jarrett was tall, nice, blunt, and quirky.  And surprisingly someone I grew to really like throughout our time there.   I mean after our initial consult where he listened, did an exam, performed an ultra sound and said, "Well I didn't need to do all that to tell you what I already knew, you're broken... (yeah, i think blunt is a nice word) and I'm not going to waste your time or mine doing anything but in vitro."

It was quiet for a minute and then Chad ask... "So what does that look like?"  And the next few minutes of explanation quickly became our real life road map.  In that little office I saw a softness on my husband's face as we learned more about IVF, not at the process, it was hope for a baby.  And somewhere in me I knew this was gonna happen. 

I don't even think a few days passed before we were both committed... I was standing by the fridge and he walked by and the conversation that ensued solidified, I was in for IVF... he just grabbed me... said "We are doing this" (it had more of an oh.my.gosh.crap.wow feeling than anything else) and then he prayed... not one for spontaneous prayer, his pulling me in caught me off guard and I heard an uncovered part of his heart that he rarely shows as he asked God to be with my body, he thanked him for being the crazy glue in the circle of us and ask him to grow it, he asked for peace for whatever our future was.

Here was the last ultrasound we took w/ Dr. Jarrett with this little life at 10 weeks!  And below is the timeline of our IVF experience.   

I can't begin to say what fun it has been to be a part of this new life that's coming and that includes the joy that I get when sharing the news with others and hearing their heart.  So many surprises there too... thanks for the prayers said now and well before and for the future.  xo

IVF Schedule:

3.26.14 First appointment w/ Dr. Jarrett
4.1 Begin Birth Control Pill
4.18 Start Lupon Shot -10 units ea evening until 36 hrs before the retrieval date
4.22  Start Cycle Appointment – Ultrasound and testing
4.25 Last day to take the Birth Control Pill
4.28 Begin FSH Shots – Continue Until 36 hr before retrieval
5.3  1^st  Ultrasound to look at Follicles (both sides producing well and all sized around 11X11)
5.5  2^nd Ultrasound to look at Follicles  (left sides slightly larger but 2 at 20 and rest growing well)
5.7  3^rd Ultrasound to look at Follicles (14 good ones – most at 20!)
5.8  - 2 shots of Ovidrel (stop the lupron and fsh)
5.10  Retrieval day! (Took 6 follicles)
5.11 8:30 am – Joy called to let us know 5 of the 6 fertilized!
5.11 Began progesterone/estrodial pills
5.15  Transfer day! (3 living embryos – implanted 2, froze 1)
5.26  First blood draw to check for pregnancy – beta needed to be higher than 50 ours was 537!
5.28  Beta was 1020 – we are pregnant with a 1.31.15 Due Date!!!
6.10  First Ultra Sound – 1 flickering soul!  That looks strong and heard heart beat… TY Jesus!
6.23.  Second Ultra Sound - Dr. J said, "This ma'am looks beautiful!"
7.7 – 10 wk Ultra Sound and last visit w/ Dr. J

It's a long one

One of my life's best friends celebrates her birthday today... as I was sitting at my computer thinking about what to post for post #9 today, she texted this pic... 

So much love. 

So many people, mostly women, but men too for sure, have a hand in this life I have inside me.  Over the last 10 years I just couldn't even begin to tell you what memories I hold of words spoken, tears cried, anger expressed, and hope given.  

Earlier today, Chad and I were looking through the stack of ultrasound pics we have piled up on the corner of our dresser.   Here is the very first one we ever got... 

the area under the bright light 

is where the two were implanted.

When we first began the IVF process, we weren't leaning towards putting in two.  But when the time came and we had 3 viable embryos... it seemed silly not to give ourselves the best chance to succeed.  After age 35, if you put in 1 embryo you have a 40% chance of getting pregnant.  If you put in 2 it jumps to 70% chance of just having 1 (and also a 25% chance of twins.)  

If you go back and read this post... you'll probably see why I thought that if we put two in, we'd have two.  And frankly, that overwhelmed me.   But I can tell you that the moment of implanting pricked my heart... i was slightly doped up from the lovelee valium i got to take, that stuff was ridiculous... so the procedure was a bit foggy... but when i heard the doctor call back to the surgery room window and say, "Two for Crane, please"... my heart skipped a beat... it was one of the few moments along the whole journey that seemed to actually feel real... and I didn't want one not to make it.  

And let me tell you, C was so on board for twins... between the time we implanted and the time we found out he kept calling them "the Bros" short for embryos. In our second ultrasound pic, 26 days later, we saw only 1 flickering heart beat - so we knew only one life was coming.  We were sad, but I can't deny the relief that was present too amidst the hurt.  

When we pulled into the drive after that appointment, C said, "Well I can't call them 'the Bros' anymore... but I can call it Flicka."  (b/c it was just flickering away!) Babies first of many nicknames I'm sure. 

I love this saying floating around all over pinterest.  Faith is just so mysterious to me... I know this is a long post but closing w/ one last thing for the day... called today to make an apt w/ my chiropractor and in doing so the receptionist, who is also the chiropractor's wife, said she'd just had a dream about me... she said to me on the phone, "How sure are you that you aren't having twins?"  I said, "We just had an ultrasound Tuesday and there is just 1... so I'm sure."  She said her dream was just so real, and I had twins. 

My mind flashed back to looking at the implant picture w/ C just earlier this morning... he told me, "You should write 'Two for Crane, please,' on the back of that."   And so I did...  what a neat little thing to have a phone call later that same day about twins... it is just quite possible, that tiny life that lived for only days inside me may very well be face to face with me some day in a different form.   I'm gonna keep that planted down deep. 

come alive, by lauren daigle

Dear Heavenly Father,
for me, for every reader... bring something long dead in us alive tonite...
xo,
sc

C's suggestion

The other nite when I had nothing to write, C suggested a post on the changes of my body since being pregnant... ok let's!

Starting head to toes...

The hair... i've decided not to color it since getting pregnant... you saw how dark it is in my last post - here it was last October...

Couple of wks ago now i was w/ this cutie patoot in southern IN...

 we'd gone w/ my mom to get her hair colored.  We walked around the shops near the salon and little miss wanted to pose in this store front... but when we were back at the salon waiting for my mom to finish up we got to talking about gray hair and I said I've noticed them now w/ my hair color growing out.  Molly wanted to look and girl pulled one right out!  Gray hairs and pregnant is an interesting combo :)  I'm sure some type of coloring will make it back to my head after the baby.

On to the rest of my head... not much to note... the only thing is my nose, maybe it's in my head but it seems to have changed shape... i don't know if it's bigger or smaller honestly it is just that it looks different to me, like more pronounced... 

moving on down to the chest!  lands girl is ready for the old boobs back, who knew i liked them small!  not that they are huge now or anything but for sure bigger! enough on that!

the belly - it's been so big now since May!  the IVF made my abdominal cavity swell so much... all the way up to my ribs... i didn't gain much weight at all then though but since wk 10 i've gained 14 pounds... and since i'm just sharing everything on this post... here's a pic from yesterday morning... pjs and all -  before i got out of bed, little one moved so much and literally felt like it formed a ball right in the middle of my belly... i texted this pic to my two other pregnant sister-in-laws... and even Chad commented later, man it's like you just popped out there today - yep that's how it felt! 

i've mentioned the back before... prayers so welcomed

last two body things are constipation... wasn't chad's post idea lovelee?  

and at nite my calves and feet cramp... they did that before too, but now its more often, almost every nite

Ok, i've not left a thing out peeps... you got it all... so many changes and more to come no doubt... if the next 16 wks can go as smoothly as this first 24 though, i'll be a very happy girl

Eats

I've not really had any cravings.  Early on w/ ivf i definitely did - i was so bloated that really salty things tasted like heaven!  one morning early on i woke up and for breakfast i thought a tomato sounded good, mind you it was summer time and they were delish taboot, but i just grabbed one from the counter and just took a bite out of it, oh my word tasted so good ate the whole thing like you'd eat an apple... it was my breakfast for a few weeks!

or i remember one day after church we went out for breakfast and i ordered a tomato juice, which didn't come in a normal small glass but a large one and i drank the whole thing in one big drink, i could have easily had a second one- then the next time we were there weeks later, i got a tomato juice and couldn't even imagine having drank it down that fast...

other things i've eaten a lot of in my pregnancy are apples, bananas, and rice - all three made it into the menu today (pics below of today's eats)  i'm a pretty routine eater during the week, often the same things everyday - except dinner... but for the last week and a half even dinners are pretty much the same and that's because we keep eating out!

4 stalks celery.1 cucumber.1 green apple.1/2 lemon

if i don't have this juice then i have 1 or 2 apples

breakfast:

toast - my current fave thing of the day

i know this doesn't look the tastiest, but it makes 

for a great lunch that keeps me satisfied

sweet potato.cheese.sour cream.garlic salt

late afternoon i had this 

2 frozen bananas. frozen cherries.1 apple. apple juice

which turned into this deliciousness

i usually make this like i did today, which is my favorite

or i'll swap frozen peaches or mangos in place of the cherries

or i just do a banana w/ almond or peanut butter

dinner:

9x out of 10 when we eat out it is Mexican

and this is my usual, sometimes i get shrimp with it

tonite i had this and some chips w/ queso

and a york peppermint pattie :)

this would be considered a pretty healthy day for me, pretty typical
during the week and then less routine on the weekends 

Keep it Moving

not as active as i'd love to be... early on in the ivf process, before we even knew if we were pregnant, my ovaries overstimulated and i got really bloated in my whole torso and one morning getting out of the shower my low back shifted in a way it wasn't meant to and hasn't been back to normal since...

i have found a lovelee way to sleep, ty Jesus - and these are a couple of my favorite things I do a couple times a day that help

i found this warm up early on in my pregnancy and absolutely love it, it is only 6-7 min and makes my whole body feel so much better after doing it...

... and when i have more time I follow the warm up with something else, right now i'm really liking this, but I modify some of the movements to work better for me

finally, want to share a stretch i just got this week from my chiropractor and LOVE it... it stretches your groin and upper quad... the give and height of a bed provide a perfect scenerio for a good stretch

Losing Heart

I mentioned in this post that at the time we chose to see Dr. Jarrett for infertility, I was pretty much out to lunch on the whole idea and here's why -

after the Christmas convo w/ Don (my last post) - this girl, who'd felt in her gut since 2010 that God's plan was for me to be pregnant and have a baby - had zero doubt that January was going to be the month of that finally beginning...  and when my period started that month i was in shock... i went to Chad's office (which is in our house) and told him... and when the words came out so came the tears, and Chad said, "Don't do this to yourself."

I walked to the opposite end of the house where my office is, sat in my chair and cried... and the more i cried the angrier i got... the overall theme, "What is the point God?"  This wasn't the first time someone had unexpectedly and so strongly spoken into our lives about having children like this and the hope in my heart expands to crazy proportions and then nothing - i was just jumping off these track and never wanted back on - i felt such a strong pull to change complete directions in my life - just go down another road that had nothing to do with this one

Chad came in to my office and consoled me, i told him, i was done... i really felt like my heart was just turning off the ability to discern what our path was for children and the only option left was to seal the door closed on "no" - i couldn't take it anymore

In looking back from where I stand today, i'm really most amazed at how God moved - i feel like from Jan to May 26th, i was just on auto pilot... and he really was carrying me b/c i was checked out emotionally and with everything my priority felt like me... not getting too invested - come what may was my motto -  just didn't want to give in to trying anything that would end in heartbreak.

The heart of an infertile woman is much more fragile than her womb.

Mine felt like a ball of "I just can't care anymore."

During IVF, Chad's vision took over and God's grace covered my life... allowing my head to be off and my body to be in motion doing the steps.   At every appointment, we got good news... we over and over again walked out the doors of the clinic with our ears ringing with how well everything was progressing... it was a new experience - after so many years of disappointing failures, my body was doing what it was supposed to.

If I could sum of my journey w/ infertility it would be a back and forth head and heart tug of war.  I could only stay in one place for so long then I'd have to switch back to the other for reprieve...  in my heart place, there was hope and patience and vision - and after disappointments mounted i'd often unconsciously move life into my head space... feeling like I was missing the path for my life and praying to see things more clearly or head space was sometimes just accepting my life as it was, no children... after 10 years, that place was a comfortable home... i knew myself there.

Being pregnant now is just wordless - it is a whole new world of feelings and emotions that are distinctly nothing like the world of infertility.  That is the only way to pen it.

I've shared this song on the blog before, but heard it this morning before posting this and every line seemed to go deep into my bones of what this pregnancy feels like to my heart.  My prayer for this sweet moment is that you'll listen and the Holy Spirit will share his love with you in a fresh way that will hold memory for you til this whole mysterious land of living becomes his eternal one.  

Therefore, we don't lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is all temporary.  What is unseen is eternal.  2 Cor 4:16-18

you revive me, christy nockels