One of my life's best friends celebrates her birthday today... as I was sitting at my computer thinking about what to post for post #9 today, she texted this pic...
So much love.
So many people, mostly women, but men too for sure, have a hand in this life I have inside me. Over the last 10 years I just couldn't even begin to tell you what memories I hold of words spoken, tears cried, anger expressed, and hope given.
Earlier today, Chad and I were looking through the stack of ultrasound pics we have piled up on the corner of our dresser. Here is the very first one we ever got...
the area under the bright light
is where the two were implanted.
When we first began the IVF process, we weren't leaning towards putting in two. But when the time came and we had 3 viable embryos... it seemed silly not to give ourselves the best chance to succeed. After age 35, if you put in 1 embryo you have a 40% chance of getting pregnant. If you put in 2 it jumps to 70% chance of just having 1 (and also a 25% chance of twins.)
If you go back and read this post... you'll probably see why I thought that if we put two in, we'd have two. And frankly, that overwhelmed me. But I can tell you that the moment of implanting pricked my heart... i was slightly doped up from the lovelee valium i got to take, that stuff was ridiculous... so the procedure was a bit foggy... but when i heard the doctor call back to the surgery room window and say, "Two for Crane, please"... my heart skipped a beat... it was one of the few moments along the whole journey that seemed to actually feel real... and I didn't want one not to make it.
And let me tell you, C was so on board for twins... between the time we implanted and the time we found out he kept calling them "the Bros" short for embryos. In our second ultrasound pic, 26 days later, we saw only 1 flickering heart beat - so we knew only one life was coming. We were sad, but I can't deny the relief that was present too amidst the hurt.
When we pulled into the drive after that appointment, C said, "Well I can't call them 'the Bros' anymore... but I can call it Flicka." (b/c it was just flickering away!) Babies first of many nicknames I'm sure.
I love this saying floating around all over pinterest. Faith is just so mysterious to me... I know this is a long post but closing w/ one last thing for the day... called today to make an apt w/ my chiropractor and in doing so the receptionist, who is also the chiropractor's wife, said she'd just had a dream about me... she said to me on the phone, "How sure are you that you aren't having twins?" I said, "We just had an ultrasound Tuesday and there is just 1... so I'm sure." She said her dream was just so real, and I had twins.
My mind flashed back to looking at the implant picture w/ C just earlier this morning... he told me, "You should write 'Two for Crane, please,' on the back of that." And so I did... what a neat little thing to have a phone call later that same day about twins... it is just quite possible, that tiny life that lived for only days inside me may very well be face to face with me some day in a different form. I'm gonna keep that planted down deep.
come alive, by lauren daigle
Dear Heavenly Father,
for me, for every reader... bring something long dead in us alive tonite...
xo,
sc
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