What I Carry

Unreceived promises.

Probably a good year or more into the journey of conceiving I remember a 

month that plowed me down with expectation.  So much so that I had no doubt, like God had given my heart the positive reading before the stick did - that's how it felt.  And the comfort he brought me after the period began came from Hebrews 11.  

Verse 39-40… “All of these people we have mentioned received God’s approval because of their faith, yet none of them received all God had promised. For God had far better things in mind for us that would also benefit them, for they can’t receive the prize at the end of the race until we finish the race.”

These two verses give me hope that where my life feels like a failure, promises not seen with my eyes, touched w/ my hands, loved w/ my heart... the end of the story, by God's sweet grace, will have a far different ending.  Different than I'd envisioned and yet better.  For the One who holds all things together will have worked all things for good. Sweet Jesus I just love that.  And he tries to seed our days here with his words, "Don't worry."  So good. Why don't I do that?

He knows.

Another verse that makes an empty womb a light load for me comes from Jeremiah 1:5a - The Lord's words to Jeremiah... "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.  Before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you prophet to the nations."  There has been years of this verse becoming truth for me and it holds peace for a barren womb.  The peace stems from the Sovereignty that echos in this verse.  His knowing of his own before the womb.  His knowing of us and his vision for us.  And a trusting that if there not be a child he has planned to come through my womb... no one he knows of prior... well then there is unspeakable peace in that.  

Trusting his vision.

Marriage is precious.  It's another truth I've learned along this journey.  And my marriage has been the greatest teacher in my life.  Bar none.  Have you heard the song, "Loving a Person," by Sarah Groves?  It's a good one.  The demands coming at us these days are just ridiculous and marriage can just seem out of date at times, pointless & trashable.  And still breathing strongly over all that we are bombarded with, there is a timeless truth whispering out - loving a person is miraculous.  Be still and don't freak out at the mess you got going w/ your other half.  It ain't that big of a deal. God's got the market on fixing the broken.  Just don't make a mountain out of it... let your story be.  Just let your story be your story, one day, one breath at a time.  

Hope.

And all barren women know HOPE lives in your very bones.  It just is. Kinda feels like a curse sometimes!  And for me there will always be a pairing up my heart w/ God's, believing he knows of one before my womb!   

Hope is what I carry... faith for miracles and also a peace that is contentment.  Fear likes to rear it's ugly head... oh lands it does that... and seasons of that come and go and leave me feeling a bit beaten up - but that route is typically all about me, mostly my wrong choices, yada yada.  

Be Still.

Jesus.  He's stillness to this heaviness.  And barreness can be so heavy.  But he is light in the midst of it.  Often quiet he is,  a gentleman of sorts... so be still and trust in that still small voice - let it lead you no matter how loudly the darkness is shouting.   

"No worries.  You aren't messing this up.  No making mountains of your journey.  One day at a time."  Can you hear him?

He's gonna bring life. 

Post on Never Losing Faith

Link to Kelly's Korner for more encouragement on this topic.