Pulling

At the simplest of things, under the most random of circumstances, my back muscles will pull.  It's gonna sound silly... but the pulling of muscles in my back is so my source of frustration and prayers and trusting and exercising or not, eating this and not that, doing this and not too much of that... sleeping on this side and not on that one, it is like I'm always aware of what my muscles are doing... they lead the pack it feels.  I've  tried yoga, western docs, eastern docs, chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture, cross-fit, light exercise, cupping... no doctor has found the root and no exercise seems to help only cause more pulling.

I'm not choosing the best day to write regarding it b/c last nite it pulled again, making twice in the last month, and I'm just over it.  I was at the kitchen counter, had been sitting just a minute there, eating dinner and all on it's own, nothing even to really trigger it this time, it pulls.  After it initially happens, I try to tell myself for the first 10-15 minutes that it's not gonna be that bad, just breath, keep moving, stay flexible.  (This pull was really the least painful one I've had.  But I think my patience with it is at an all time low and it's been a bad combination.)  As time goes by it tightens and pulls and is painful and I throw pity parties and entertain thoughts of anger as to why this keeps happening and despite trying to find the root cause, I have no answers.  Darker thoughts intermingle like... "it's a good thing I don't have children, I can't hardly take care of myself, Chad, our house when this happens."   And this ache hits my core. Throw in the truth that for the next day at least I'm a total you know what to Chad and then 3-5 more days of slow going, ice/heat - acupuncture and chiro appointments.  Oh such a happy post. 

I rarely talk about it b/c I know everyone has their trials, and I heard someone say once if you could throw all your problems in a circle with everyone you knew you'd gladly grab your own right back.  The only thing good that I can see that comes of this trial is FAITH.  Besides praying for children, this area of my health is the second largest area that I pray and pray and  if I can say I've seen change it has been slow and small, ok maybe miniscule as I sit here in pain, it is hard to pretend it has improved much over the years.  But I've learned the power of faith remaining even when you don't see anything, or experience the exact opposite of what you are believing for. 

Psalm 103 - it is a verse I say not because I've seen it in action regarding my children or my back but b/c FAITH is believing it without having seen it.  It is believing more in the fact that God is walking with you than in what he's going to do in the situation.  The verse used to anger me b/c I was tired of not seeing the healing, but over time it has become peace amidst this long trial b/c God holds the answers to why.   Psalm 103:3 says, "He heals all my diseases."  And I also love the part where it says, "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we were formed, he remembers that we are dust."   I love that.  It renews my ability to not give up, to remember that FAITH only need to be the size of a mustard seed for him to acknowledge it and that much I do have!

On days of pain like today, both emotional and physical, it is perfect to realize tiny mustard size faith carries and God is big enough. That his promise to heal all my disease is the end of the story no attention paid to when and how I get there.

Heard this song (How Great is Your Love) at the end of the day and it sparked my post, mostly because as I listened God seemed to whisper that "he remembers I'm just dust" part and I felt his compassion sweep over and the pity party cease.  Amidst me and all the crap that comes with that, he is still Good!  His presence is still heaven to me!  Second song I've listed... lovelee line in it... "In my weakness YOU ARE MERCIFUL!"  Yes!  

How Great is the Love - Vertical Church Band

Your Presence is Heaven - Israel & New Breed