Losing Heart

I mentioned in this post that at the time we chose to see Dr. Jarrett for infertility, I was pretty much out to lunch on the whole idea and here's why -

after the Christmas convo w/ Don (my last post) - this girl, who'd felt in her gut since 2010 that God's plan was for me to be pregnant and have a baby - had zero doubt that January was going to be the month of that finally beginning...  and when my period started that month i was in shock... i went to Chad's office (which is in our house) and told him... and when the words came out so came the tears, and Chad said, "Don't do this to yourself."

I walked to the opposite end of the house where my office is, sat in my chair and cried... and the more i cried the angrier i got... the overall theme, "What is the point God?"  This wasn't the first time someone had unexpectedly and so strongly spoken into our lives about having children like this and the hope in my heart expands to crazy proportions and then nothing - i was just jumping off these track and never wanted back on - i felt such a strong pull to change complete directions in my life - just go down another road that had nothing to do with this one

Chad came in to my office and consoled me, i told him, i was done... i really felt like my heart was just turning off the ability to discern what our path was for children and the only option left was to seal the door closed on "no" - i couldn't take it anymore

In looking back from where I stand today, i'm really most amazed at how God moved - i feel like from Jan to May 26th, i was just on auto pilot... and he really was carrying me b/c i was checked out emotionally and with everything my priority felt like me... not getting too invested - come what may was my motto -  just didn't want to give in to trying anything that would end in heartbreak.

The heart of an infertile woman is much more fragile than her womb.

Mine felt like a ball of "I just can't care anymore."

During IVF, Chad's vision took over and God's grace covered my life... allowing my head to be off and my body to be in motion doing the steps.   At every appointment, we got good news... we over and over again walked out the doors of the clinic with our ears ringing with how well everything was progressing... it was a new experience - after so many years of disappointing failures, my body was doing what it was supposed to.

If I could sum of my journey w/ infertility it would be a back and forth head and heart tug of war.  I could only stay in one place for so long then I'd have to switch back to the other for reprieve...  in my heart place, there was hope and patience and vision - and after disappointments mounted i'd often unconsciously move life into my head space... feeling like I was missing the path for my life and praying to see things more clearly or head space was sometimes just accepting my life as it was, no children... after 10 years, that place was a comfortable home... i knew myself there.

Being pregnant now is just wordless - it is a whole new world of feelings and emotions that are distinctly nothing like the world of infertility.  That is the only way to pen it.

I've shared this song on the blog before, but heard it this morning before posting this and every line seemed to go deep into my bones of what this pregnancy feels like to my heart.  My prayer for this sweet moment is that you'll listen and the Holy Spirit will share his love with you in a fresh way that will hold memory for you til this whole mysterious land of living becomes his eternal one.  

Therefore, we don't lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is all temporary.  What is unseen is eternal.  2 Cor 4:16-18

you revive me, christy nockels