a beginning, middle, and end

The Beginning

aug 3, 2008

i was eating a sandwich and this fell off onto my plate

guess who was already hopeful she was pregnant that month and guess who's eyes didn't see a banana pepper but instead a banana pepper ultra sound - (yes... if you ever had doubt I was a bit off, now you have proof!)  but as I went to pick it up to put it back on the sandwich, the depiction - of what to me easily resembled a uterus, fallopian tubes, and even the seed as the embryo... literally caught my breath and planted itself into me with ease as a sign of even more reason to hope for the month

and quirkier than normal i felt after aug came and went w/o being pregnant

The Middle

may 3rd, 2009

i was worshiping in jacksonville, fl - there for just a weekend visit w/ a friend when during one of the worship songs i had an experience i'd never had before and haven't since... it is best written as feeling a fear of the Lord... a powerful presence that brought fear to me w/o frightening me if that makes sense... and after it came and went I was left with the belief that God had either closed a door that no man could open or opened one no man could close - i didn't know if something good or something bad had happened, just that something I'd have no control over anyway happened... permanently

2 days later, may 5th, 2009

the start date of 8 months of separation from my husband that i did not see coming

i've written before, "trust the Lord to speak to you in ways he knows you'll understand" - it wasn't right away but at some point the banana pepper ultrasound came back to my mind and I'd written the experience down so went back to see the date - it happened exactly 9 months prior to that May 3rd encounter... it did have a purpose! it was the Lord speaking to me then in a way he knew i'd record and come back to later, he'd use it to help me see that birthing new life in us doesn't always look like what we expect

don't be afraid to pray your hearts desire, just release the 
expectations surrounding getting there - that door is his for the swinging

he's often gonna take a different road, sometimes a windier one than you'd ever
pick and for often sure a longer one b/c it'll involve healing areas of yourself
and others that you never could predict were a higher priority than your desired outcome

The Ending

oct 31, 2009

sitting at a saturday nite worship service at a church I'd called home for the past couple of months and heard a sermon on these verses from Revelations 3:7-13:

To the Church in Philadelphia

 7"To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write:
      These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. 8I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. 9I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, but are liars—I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. 10Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth. 11I am coming soon. Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take your crown. 12Him who overcomes I will make a pillar in the temple of my God. Never again will he leave it. I will write on him the name of my God and the name of the city of my God, the new Jerusalem, which is coming down out of heaven from my God; and I will also write on him my new name. 13He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches.

the pastor shared on the key of David... that it literally meant the key to unlock the door to the palace - that David had the authority to say, "Yes, you may come in," or "No, you may not."   To have the key meant your choice was final on who was in and who wasn't.

this beginning, middle, and end may not tie together well for anyone but me... i share b/c these 3 happenings string together God reminding me of one amazing truth... i'd spent years coming to see that "my children" are his... and was in a season of learning my marriage was his... but he truly gave a gift to a doubter girl's heart on Oct. 31st when he unmistakably answered the question to what that fearful open or closed sensation was those months earlier...  it was music to these ears... balm for a hurting heart, and peace for an often overactive mind... it was his gracefilled light giving me a moment of solidified... my door for you is securely open.  

If your life lens seems to be foggy right now, be on the look out for The Author of Salvation... 

who is the light we know so little of on this side of heaven.  What I can believe is for all he calls children, that door is powerfully, everlastingly open... never closing.  

My prayer for myself and for you,

"let us hold on to what we have."